Most of them are taken seriously, some with a grain of salt.
Do I really need to put a headband on - I mean, really, who is seriously offended by someone else's bad hair? How far can I stretch this pair of underwear? If I can make it until the 26th, I have a washer and dryer that I can use to my heart's content. Speaking of heart's content, I could eat about 10 pastizzis right now, but I bet the bus man would jip me of my 3 cents just like he does every other day, so I'm not going to Victoria unless I really have to. And let's get this straight, a pastizzi/10 more lbs/new stain on my shirt is not a good enough solo reason to go to Victoria. Especially when I have so much trouble just getting the water to foam in the sink (or accepting that the powder in the Nutella jar is clothes detergent, not dish detergent). If I walk up that big hill to where the action is happening, how much booty am I gaining? As much as I lost in India? Only one way to find out... I have to go up there anyhow.
But no, seriously, better thoughts, other thoughts, more substantial thoughts cross my mind. These are either absorbed until I am glassy eyed and haven't left my chair for the last 2 hours. Or they are put on my checklist (that I make every single morning with many of the same topics as the day before) under either the "Short Term" section or the "Long Term" section and also deposited into the part of my brain that holds things until 1.) I have enough energy to go glassy eyed and push my little brain to its problem solving extreme or 2.) I make the time to actually do the important things on my list.
Either way, I bet my roomies think I'm the biggest junkie ever, because over the last few weeks, I've spent a lot of time sitting very still, but still probably sweating from the heat, and going glassy eyed while I mentally explore the ridiculous paths and avenues that my research might possibly take me and how I can prepare myself for that. And then I jump up like a crazy person who was just electrocuted and speed about because I had a brilliant idea that I desperately need to write down but I CANNOT FIND PAPER OR A PEN. But by this time I have made it through the front door and into the kitchen so I settle for a glass of apple juice and repeat the thought to myself for the next 20 minutes until I believe I can make it back to my room without forgetting my thought.
And then I check my emails for the 57th time that day to see if any of my informants have responded and make another list of appointments and sit down again to gather my thoughts on what I want to say to this or that person. All while secretly (maybe not so secretly) plotting on how to get into the church again to see that super cute guy whose name I forgot because, I suppose, I was lost in his eyes/curly hair/adorable smile when he told me his name. Or, maybe I forgot his name because I looked disgusting and I was cursing myself for not trying harder to look decent.
People ARE offended by bad hair and sweaty Americans, myself included.
Either way, this is not good.
But! Not all is lost!
Most of my informants are connected to the church - a trip to Victoria should be successful in many ways.
So! Some good has come out of my comatose junkie thinking ways - today I had a super cool session with my director and staff members who, even though I am terribly confused and have lots of questions and am not always sure where I am going with my research, were really supportive of what I had to say and what I was doing, gave me something concrete to think about, and some helpful suggestions. This is good. This I like. I don't feel as lost now, because if they say I am doing some of the right things, asking the right questions, experiencing real anthropologist things, being an anthropologist, and that they appreciate my work and progress and inquiries... then I must be doing ok. And I am not as bad off as I felt like I was.
I know there is definitely still stuff to do - interviews, academic journal readings and books to get, etc. etc. But it doesn't feel as daunting now.
I have realized that I like thinking outloud. I do like sitting very still and contemplating but I reallllllly like hashing things out with other people. Not like confrontation stuff, although I don't have a problem with it. No, I like opinions and suggestions and advice and I like when I can voice and share and learn from others. This makes me happy.
Yes. This I like.
So I didn't go anywhere today, but I was super productive in a way that I usually hate to be productive - by way of my computer. Sometimes my computer pulls me down into this weird cyber world where only 3 websites exist, yet they are the most entertaining to refreshrefreshrefresh and I don't get anywhere. And I have spent HOURS doing nothing that I wanted to do, yet just COULDN'T STOP doing.
Nope. Today, I sat down full of resolve to get this crap away from me and figured out my trip to Rome, before my family arrives.
It looks like this:
Leave Malta on the 28th
sleep overnight in Roma hostel
get train to Florence
stay for 2 days
come back to stay at hostel again
meet family on August 1st
have blastyblast!
Tomorrow I have lots of meetings and such in town and I will have a great time because today helped me figure out more directly where to go with my research instead of just doing research, which I think, is what I was doing.
Now, I have purpose.
I like having purpose.
Picture?
Xlendi, my home away from home.
