this is not the sound of settling

Here in Charleston, life goes on.
People come in and out of my life, just like before.
I'm in and out of people's lives, just like before.

Lots of things have been happening.
Things here in the US, things there in India, my second home and second love.

An update:
plane crashes, Maoists attacks, cyclones, bandhs, friends and experiences left behind that are still enjoying one another in India, Noral virus, cruise ships that bring old friends and new friends, 21st birthday with free shots, a new dress, a princess crown and the best people I could possibly have spent my birthday with and whom I love dearly and will miss when I can't be with them, when they move away, moving soon to a brand new super adorable apartment with 2 porches and more windows, becoming the owner of a new kitten, crying at snaps of polio victims, flowers and cards and sunsets and beaches, mimosas in the morning, contra dancing, getting an internship and a job, running, and mostly, loving and being happy with where I am and who I am with, needing nothing more or wanting more than everything I have.

Giving myself over to the universe is the best thing I have ever done.

looking for the word

I'm on the lookout for my word.

But there are a lot of words out there - hanging on a sign, sighing quietly on a page in a dictionary, glowing under a street lamp, stamped out on a keyboard

My word must be somewhere.

A glimpse of happiness in SC

You may or may not know, but there is a very important man in my life who went through a very tough ordeal while I was in India. I shared his pain from afar.

My only way of staying in touch was a one-way letter system. It provided me with much needed comfort and apparently, it provided him with some as well.

Today, this email from his son made me cry with happiness.

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Hi Allyn:
Anatoly asked me to write you to say Thank you for your letters.  He really appreciated you taking time to do that. As for myself I also wanted to thank you for providing support to my father.  It was the right thing at the right time. I really enjoyed translating them for him.
Thank you so much!!!
Konstantine

slightly crazy

I'm home now.
i'm not even sure i understand that.

I'm still trying to process everything, of what my experience has meant to me, and how it has changed me.


INDIA
Why: to see what I was capable of doing, handling
Why: to get away from the things that have memories and feelings attached, things that used to make me happy that nowadays, still only make sad
Why: to know more than SC

What I've found out: I am very capable, and very able of being on my own, away from the familiar. But I don't think I ever really doubted myself - I think I doubted myself when others made me feel like I couldn't.
What I've found out: It doesn't matter when you come back - 4 months, 6 months, 1 year - places and things still have a stigma, a concept, an idea, a permanent place in your memory and senses that no matter how hard you wish something had never happened, had never existed, it still did and you still feel it. And it isn't going away. It will forever be there.
What I've found out: I was able to slip right back into daily life in SC without a hitch. There are tons of new stories that are sparked by various sights, conversation topics, eating habits, fashion habits, animals, cars, etc. There are a few lifestyle changes - and I hope they stick.
I hope that just because I'm back and able to be a part of society so quickly without being ridiculous doesn't mean that I will quickly and easily forget my time in such an unforgettable place, with amazing people, doing mind-blowing things.
What I've found out: The one and only reason I'm ok with that fact that I've had to come back is because of my family. I'm very glad I am with them - but I'm hightailing it out of here again, asap.

I never had the time to feel nostalgic - I didn't even have the time to think.
I just packed my bags, said goodbye, and flew out of India.

I've had the time to think and this is it:
The worst part of leaving India, and the reason I tried sooooo hard to stay, was because I don't ever know when I am going to get the chance to go back.
That is the absolute worst part - seeing things in the US, comparing it to all of the beautiful, colorful, different cultural aspects of India and knowing that I might only be able to compare from the US from now on.

So far I have been sleeping on my cloud of a bed, playing with my beloved animals, gone to the vet, bought new tennis shoes since I left my others in India (thank god), attended a wedding reception, and taken a car to the shop.

It is back to daily life in SC.

Today is Mother's Day.
And even though I can't help but tell stories about India, describing, laughing, crying... I'm very very very glad that I am here with my family.
Maybe it is because they always know how to make me laugh... my mother discovered during our Mother/Daughter photo shoot that the shoes she has been wearing for the last 3 days are 2 different sizes... sort of like my father wearing 2 different shoes to a birthday party.

I love this family.
This is why I came back, and pretty much the only reason.

Don't tune out just because I'm not in India anymore, because I'm not.
I wouldn't.
I couldn't.

This world is still big and beautiful and worth the attention.

"shhhhhhh calm the fuck down. s'okay."

So while Riane and I sit here freakin' out about we don't know what because nobody answers our emails, our bags aren't packed, we ain't got the money or the time to figure out anything, but we do know that the world is coming to an end and it is going to implode starting in Asia (most likely tomorrow), people make songs and blogs and they make us laugh.

http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/

hellish.

Life in the East is hitting far closer to home than I ever thought.

Living in the terrorist magnet otherwise known as the USA, yet protected by the naivety of South Caroline, terrorist threats were an issue that were never really an issue - not more than comments on television, pictures of destruction in the news, overly protective parents pulling their kids out of middle school in a rural South Caroline town. Heartbreaking, but distant. I remained directly unaffected.

But I don't live in South Carolina anymore.
And I'm not naive anymore.
This shit's real.
I'm glad I have been given the chance to get over my naivety - to really and truly see, understand, take part in daily life and emotions on the other side of the globe, yet there is nothing more I want than for everyone to know and enjoy the naivety I once possessed.
To live a life constantly in fear is not a life at all.



I spent the last week completely at the mercy of strangers willing to fill in two lone females traveling through terrorist targeted Kolkata (Calcutta).

The advice:
stay out of known tourist spots
no bars
get stocked on food, water, money
wait it out

As I stared at the ceiling of my stopped train somewhere in the middle of West Bengal by a group of communist protestors standing on the railroad tracks in an All-India bandh, we get a phone call from our Indian mother that our friend took the soonest flight out of Hyderabad.
He, his girlfriend, and another friend were beaten up in a bar in Bangkok, Thailand.
Apparently there was a gang attack by Red Shirts on the 3 of them - the girl ended up down a staircase and in the hospital needing stitches, the guys came back into consciousness in a world where nobody would help them get the help they needed for the scars and cuts they endured.

All three of these students have sent off for the US.

We get news that Calcutta is the next terrorist target in India - here is an article in the paper listing all of the evidence that points to why the tourist spots and the train station and airport are the most likely targets.
We are advised to stay out of the public. Lucky us, this is day 3 for us.
Our next stop is the airport, 6 am.

We end up in an internet cafe giving our fingerprints up for identification. It's "protocol."
My emails are disappointing.

Travel warnings/alerts are blocking me from Thailand and Nepal. There is to be no unnecessary travel to Thailand. Understanding the culture is "unnecessary."

There will be no traveling to Nepal - they have just let 20 terrorists into India, and are blaming it on the poor Indian border control.
Goodbye volunteer work.

Due to recent events, my field school/research program in Bangkok has been canceled.
Goodbye recently booked non-refundable roundway tickets to Paris and Bangkok.
Goodbye over $1000.
Goodbye much needed academic ncredits.
Goodbye scholarship.
Goodbye easier access to post-graduation anth. jobs.

Most of all, Goodbye to Asia.
Hello to life back in a place I knew in a life I never understood until know.

Hello to understanding the term, "fearing for life."
Goodbye to comfort and "understanding."


I'm incredibly disappointed in the turn that my summer has taken - instead of traveling, exploring, living and learning in several different foreign cultures, I will be (as of this moment) back in South Carolina.I can't wrap m head around how rapid these changes have occurred.
Yet I completely agree.

My project isn't the only one canceled because of the world - field schools in Mexico are being canceled as a US consulate was killed at the Texas border and it is unsafe.

Riane and I joke, but we are serious - the world feels like it is ending. How old is the earth?

A week ago, I was set to be trekking in the Himalayas, and coming back for an exciting time in France and Thailand until July.
Today, I am disappointed in a great many things. My disappointment is more or less directly focused on the world, and on the level of horrible events that can occur to innocent people, much of which beyond their control.


Today, I'm preparing to head home.

If you care, I'll be at the Atlanta airport at 2 pm on Thursday, May 6th.

Home to South Carolina, where I will have to deal with things I would rather not, with people that I want to forget about, memories that I want to disappear forever, places that I couldn't care about being in for another summer, rent, a non-existent job, familiar sights, etc. etc. etc.

I am just having trouble fathoming what it is like to actually be affected by this type of event, on a daily basis. Never before have I been on constant watch or had bodyguards. Never before have I had to change my route due to unforeseen and undeniably horrible worldwide situations.

Selfishly, I can't help think about what I have lost in the decision to just go home.
Meanwhile, I understand that I can go home to SC and be safe once more while there are millions that live with threats like this everyday.

Hopefully, I'll move back to the US and get a second chance to travel India, be in Paris on my birthday with my family, and study rites, rituals and myths in Bangkok.

Hopefully, the world will be a happier, healthier, safer place to live for anyone and everyone.
That's a tall order. It all feels so dark right now.




I've been directly affected by huge accusations and actions.
This is me linked to the real world - understanding and sharing the pain and the fear and the disappointment.
It's one of the things I wanted - perhaps not the way I wanted to find it out.

Currently, it all feels very... hellish.