I've lost people before. I know what it feels like to be left alone.
I know the amount of time it takes to stop seeing their face every time my eyes close, and I can estimate when I will stop wanting to yell at innocent bystanders for existing when there are other people I would rather be near me.
But it has been awhile since I had to deal with the fact that I will never see someone again. In fact, it has never happened.
This time, she is really and truly gone.
There will be no more questions or phone tag or hospital updates and visits.
There will be no more postcards from India - "Tamara, you stick in there because I can't wait to see you again!"
There is nobody to go show pictures of my adventure to. There is nobody to go tell "See, I was safe and smart and I'm back, just like I promised!"
I feel selfish when I don't always cry at what I see in the streets here, the death and suffering, but as soon as I get a call from home with the information that I will never again see someone that I love and spent a large amount of time with, I can't stop crying, even if she has moved past her pain and suffering now.
For the first time since I made it to India, I hate it here.
I hate it for being so far away. I hate the 14 hour flight, and the slow mail system. I hate the time difference. And I hate India for having so much suffering for me to see when all I want to do is cry for myself and what I no longer have in my life.
I knew that when I left, I would not be the only thing changed.
When I left, I was worried about all the things that I would miss at home.
Dad told me I couldn't worry about it, but rather I should expect it.
But I didn't. And now I am missing a very important ending, and goodbyes and hugs and support for a very important person in my life that when I walked out her doors, disappointing her and myself and my family and my friends, I didn't think I would never say a real goodbye.
I didn't think I would be on the other side of the world from everything I loved.
The idea of never seeing someone ever again is heartbreaking.
I want to be home.
The two strongest people I have ever known.
