Bear with the blog for a little - logistics are an issue. Will fix soon.
I spent my time wisely this weekend.
In other words, I had some of my much sought after Indian adventures.
I have the constant fear of not getting what I want out of India. I am so afraid that things are going to pass me by. While I am afraid of not getting what I want out of India, I have realized that I am just as afraid of letting go of what I know, of things that I know work for me.
I am afraid, and fear is not a good friend, that as a future anthropologist, I will do a horrible job.
My body has always been a huge part of everything I do, and I have realized that my body is much more important to me than maybe it is to most others, who are free to go to India or anywhere else without thought to what is going in their body, the amount of exercise they are getting, etc.
What kind of anthropologist can't let go of their own selfish needs such as maintaining a healthy body for the sake of their art, study, passion?
It certainly gets tedious repeating the things that happen in a day, but here it is:
Yesterday I went to an elementary school and played with some children that go to a school with 2 rooms, but when we got there they were having class on the roof. These children were adorable and were just as eager to learn about us as we were ready to learn everything we could about them. We played the Name Game, where we asked to stand in a circle and say their name with a movement (which is an "action" in India... they don't understand the word movement. Needless to say, as a dancer, referring to everything as an "action" is a little painful, but totally worth it) so we could remember their names by the repetition of going around the circle and saying names that are associated with certain actions. They loved it, and really got into making their own movements and pronouncing their names veryyy slowly for us. These kids are bright - very bright. They are learning English and many of them speak Telegu and catch on very quickly. I hope that they all progress and get to spend time in this school so they can grow up and live healthy, intelligent, curious lives where they are constantly aware and in amazement of the big beautiful world that they are a part of.
I hope I can be a small part of their growth.
I'm confused about the lack of structure in the literacy program... the director basically told us we can do whatever we want. But I want what happens to stick with the children... where does "teaching" begin? Can we focus our meetings with the kids on certain topics, even when we know that they will not be followed up on? Should we even try? Are we doomed to be the arts and crafts program where we "teach" them to make popsicle stick men?
Is it bad that I am almost inclined to stay with fundraising, to concentrate on getting their art projects recognition in the states and other places that can help fund these children, their schools, their teachers rather than working in the schools with the kids?
What is my role with these children for the time I have with them? Nobody can tell me where I am needed the most.
I'm very excited to go back, even when I know that I am just going to leave them in 3 months and won't have much chance to keep track of how their lives are going.
In addition to children in need of help, I had a few moments this weekend when I thought about a small family of puppies I found under a table near the train station, attempting to feed from their mal-nourished mother, and I just couldn't stop the sadness and the tears. The moments between elation of hearing beautiful children's voices repeating names and asking intuitive questions and wanting to collapse in tears in the middle of a busy street better meant for powerful Frogger players than weeping girls is all in a day's experiences in India.
There are so many times when it occurs to me that there is absolutely nothing I can do. The puppy that was left by itself, secluded from the others, eyes still closed, unable to turn onto its stomach is imprinted in my mind. It doesn't matter how times I see puppies and kittens that have led happy healthy lives flash by in mind, I couldn't help this one. What could I do but prolong this runt's tortuous existence by offering it some type of assistance? Walking away from impossibly sad situations is the bane of my existence. Every single time, it doesn't matter how many times I view a man with elephantiasis sitting on the ground, unable to stand, a child with burns down one side of his body and only one arm holding out a bowl for money, or a blind man weaving between autos and bikes, or a child grabs my arm and sometimes only asks for 1 chocolate, or even a small animal that has barely enough life to know that life hurts - it does not matter.
My heart suffers greatly everyday here in India.
And then there are the moments, like this weekend, where I am sitting on the floor with 2 friends and brand new friends from Palestine and Yemen eating biryani they made in a pot on their dorm floor and eating with my fingers, learning stories of these men and their families back home, their histories and their current aspirations. I got to do a 3 person moped ride through campus, only to end up lying on big rocks with the same people drinking delicious tea they made. That I had to leave early because another friend is a Couch Surfer and wanted to meet fellow Hyderabadi Couch Surfers in the Old City.
Experiences like finding the correct bus route and being able to hail your own auto are big happy accomplishments that are so meaningful for me, because I'm learning. I am here, and I am living, and I learning all of the time.
These are beyond suffering through lack of bargaining or learning to avoid papparazzi - I can't think of another time when it would be perfectly suitable to sit around eating with my fingers on the floor of a dorm, sharing stories and then leaving it to go meet people who are so intent they are traveling, they will take the couch if you offer it, as long as they move across the world and experience everything they can.
I hope when I come back from India, I have left all of my fears in India.
I wanted to tell someone that I have struggled with what Truth is and I have thought about it enough to simply say that everything is the Truth. There is no need for anyone to tell you what the Truth is, or where to find it.
I look at the truth everyday, and what I never knew is that I always have. There is no lying in anything in the world, because that is how it is at the moment you look at it, and that is what it will be for whoever happens upon it. The truth is the world, and it is completely open and free and this is how the world is. This is it.
Truth is relative to where you are standing on it.
