I feel... bored.
The semester is ending and yes, I have a good deal of work to do. And yes, I'm in India experiencing things that some people never get the chance to experience. In fact, experiencing experiences I never thought I would get. And yes, my life is just beginning and I'm gonna have non-stop stuff to always do, like what to do with my life...
But I'm bored.
I've been thinking that India is not challenging, not the type of challenging I want it to be.
And then I thought, Charleston hasn't been either.
Both have been challenging in their own ways...
In CofCland, I've spent my time there rebuilding my identity after transferring from Elon, trying to decide where to connect my interests, how to connect with people that I originally wanted nothing to do with because making friends meant 1.) making someone important in my life at the time mad at me/trying to build/keep trust and 2.) it meant I was in Charleston forever. I wasn't going back to where I wanted to be. I was going to have to live with my new life and surroundings.
Thankfully enough, Charleston is a beautiful place I have grown to appreciate. It took an interesting change of events to make me see that where I was happened to be worth the effort.
It took effort to make Charleston the worthy place that it is in my mind today.
In Indialand, I've been testing my limits, my worldly-ness, my cross cultural savvy-ness.
It did not take as much effort as I thought. I came prepared for this zoo - my mind was set. But I wanted to be a vagabond then, and India is the land of vagabonds. Everyone here is searching for things that they aren't sure exist, potentially unattainable goals but hey, the ride is great. In India, I'm Thoreau, living a simple life that didn't exist at home, yet entirely too complex for home and anything I have ever known before here. In India, I'm searching for the things I don't know how to find whatever it is I'm looking for.
I'm here to be here, to be one with India, India's people and India's mindset.
But I'm bored.
I've been bored for a long time.
Working towards a degree is not the same as working towards finding... the truth (what is the truth?) Working towards a degree, towards grades, towards a career, does not mean that I have been pushing myself, or that there has been any indication that I do so. Working towards surviving India through language differences, academic interests, oppression of my identity and sex, the feeling of not being involved and far secluded from the rest of India, the never ending questions that are never answered... is not the same as pushing myself to, I suppose, to beat myself at WHAT I have no clue.
I mean, I'm interested in self-expression.
And I feel suppressed here in India.
But I felt suppressed in Charleston (but in a different way.)
I CAN'T FIND THE WAY TO SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY.
This bothers me.
I want to be challenged, and not just with everyday things, like how to deal with roommate issues and the new apt. or how to get to Mumbai for a weekend with a paper due the following Monday, which might not be so much of an everyday issue once I return to the US.
No. I want to be surrounded by people who are always striving to be on top. I want competition to look at me in the face and tell me to be prepared.
Anthropologists by nature, are non-confrontational, I would say.
I might be breaking ground in the area of anthropologists.
This is a clear indication that I am confrontational. Yes, of course it is. Is this a clear indication that I will be the world's worst anthropologist? I certainly hope not, because even though I'm conflicted, I know what I love.
I just don't know how to make it all work together, and what to concentrate on more.
I do know I want to be surrounded by incredibly talented people that I constantly compare myself to, and then determine, that yes, I am my own great creative individual self and look at what I can offer to the world. Look what I have, look what I am capable of.
Is this for others to see, or myself, I have yet to determine.
No. I know better than that.
Every single person is a beautiful, talented, capable individual, without having to prove that to anybody but themselves, myself included.
Despite that, has this always been my lifelong desire - to be on top?
I think maybe, yes. I can't think of where else I would want to be.
But I want to be pushed by the constantly visible talent of others.
I miss having to prove myself. I miss the yelling and the determination and the defeat that turns into victory. I miss feeling... 2nd to Best and then fighting it, overcoming it.
This is stage life for me, that I want.
But I love the freedom of anthropology. I love that I have chosen a profession where I can travel and talk to people and stare at them without being judgmental and eat new food and hear new music and have all kinds of amazing experiences. I love that I'm currently headed towards preserving traditional arts, and cracking myths and codes, and discovering how current society has been affected by age-old beliefs. And its not that anthropology isn't a challenging profession in its own way... I constantly think that I am not concrete enough in my knowledge of myself and my interests to truly be an anthropologist. It sucks being in classes with other people that are completely dedicated to anthropology, so smart, so studious, and I'm thinking about other things I want to be competing for, as well.
WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH TWO (actually, many more than 2) CONFLICTING EMOTIONS AND DESIRES!?
Am I 17,397 different people living in one body, each wanting to be the true Allyn, without having a certifiable multiple personalities disorder?
WHY AM I NOT SURROUNDED BY CRAZIES THAT MAKE ME QUESTION MY VERY EXISTENCE AND ABILITIES? WHY ISN'T ANYBODY PUSHING ME? WHY DOES SOMEONE ALWAYS HAVE TO PUSHING ME? HOW HAVE I LET THIS NONSENSE TO GO ON FOR THIS LONG?
Maybe I'm just antsy tonight - I should not watch dance videos and spy on the New School website in Greenwich Village and read Vogue and Attack of the Theater People and download pop music all in the same day.
It makes me anxious for a different life, and change of pace.
or maybe it just makes me anxious.
Presents some pretty fine questions though.
Like, um.
Why do I like so many things, and want to be and do so much and how do I make it all work for me in a way that makes me feel complete?
Either way, I need a creative outlet and surroundings.
I also know that the only thing this blog implies is that I have failed at truly finding my own voice and way through lack of effort to improve my surroundings and chances.
How depressing on a Saturday night.
By the way, none of this came out like I wanted it to come out. I have done a poor job of describing my emotions this evening.
I want to be a lot of things - how do I know I am making any correct decisions when everything feels like it works sometimes?
