Lately there has been this feeling of discontent, antsy-ness, disappointment
and i'm not sure what it stems from
except a long list of places in my life where I could have done things differently

I am so incredibly proud of my friend right now, Jesse Lee. He has set off across the US on a solar and energy powered tricycle that he and his friend built while in Costa Rica and they are raising money to send to Sri Lankan schools as part of Elon's service program, the Periclean Scholars.
I couldn't be happier for him, because he is an amazing person doing an amazing thing. I hope that he comes out of this experience fulfilled from his work, because he should be proud. He is truly being a world partner.
I should have taken more advantage of my surroundings and opportunities to help make the world a better place during my time in India.
This is a major disappointment, because this is very important to me.
Some might call that the "American syndrome," where as an American, I believe I can change and fix the world's problems. But I have always wanted to play a part in the world - I have always wanted to know the world and help where help was wanted and needed. It is too bad that I was in a country that would have loved my help and I didn't give it all I had.
This is a disappointment.

I met a special little girl the other day - I was told that I had a "shadow."
Her name was Sabriany, and she was adopted by some contra friends.
The thing about having this adorable little shadow was the weird struggle between extreme happiness and emptiness that went so deep, it made my chest hurt. I'm saddened by this, because there is nothing more that I wanted to do than pick this child up and tote her around.
I am at that age where I will soon graduate and my friends will freak out about the future, and they will start that long chain of weekend weddings and baby showers and tea parties with their little girls and little league games with their boys.
And I will be doing all of this attending. But I have never felt like that would be my lifestyle.
This hurts, because what do you say to the people that want that with you, but that you aren't sure you can give back? What happens next, for those women who have never felt they would be able to fill the shoes of wife and mother?

It makes me sad that I am a woman, who, by evolution and historical stigmas, was made to bear children and to be a mother - but I have never had any inclination or warm fuzzy feelings of the idea of having my own family and child. I like borrowing people's sleeping baby or directing cute 4 yr olds to the brownie plate, but I have never felt any motherly instincts kick in, ever.
Yes, this leaves me with a big whole, when I think about it.
I talk to some people who can't wait to get married, have a kid, see it off to kindergarten and have a picket fence and security and that's all they need.
But I absolutely cannot relate.
Now, I love the idea of decorating a house, having a certain sense of permanence, and even coming home to someone and spending the rest of my life with them. I would even love, absolutely adore, being able to adopt.
And I can't really distinguish why I don't even think twice about adopting, even while I'm fairly certain I have never had any desire to have my own child.
It hurts to think about that. How many other women are there out there can't ever see themselves having a child of their own?
I must be defective. I wish that weren't true, but it feels like the right statement.